Saturday, July 4, 2009

Earf Day

Yet another one of my favorite holidays will be spent in a place that doesn't celebrate it. But I'm not going to let that stop me. This really just means that I'll be out drinking, like every other Saturday night. But this time I'll be wearing red, white, and blue while obnoxiously chanting "U-S-A!" in Australian people's faces.

Purely for the sake of irony, I've decided to comprise a list of the Top 5 4 Nations to Lose Their Independence to the US:

First some ground rules. Nations that voluntarily gave up their independence in order to be part of a better nation (e.g. Texas, Vermont) do not count. Native American land does not count, because as far as I understand, everything we took from them in exchange for magic beans had already been technically claimed by other countries, which we subsequently bought or fought for. So in that sense Britain, France, Mexico, etc. were the ones who technically stole their land. Oh, and islands without people don't count. So without further ado . . .

#5. Eastern Samoa. Independence lost 7 June 1900, 16 July 1904
Currently the US territory of American Samoa.

Okay, so this one might break the rules right off the bat; the islands' chiefs did sign deeds of cession to the United States, but I can't help but feel that after decades of colonization by Germans, Brits, and Americans that maybe this wasn't really part of the original plan of the Samoan people. Take it or leave it, it stays on the list.

#4. Republic of Indian Stream. Independence lost 1835
Currently the northwestern tip of Pittsburgh, New Hampshire.

Because people weren't very good at making or using maps yet as of the 19th century, a 282 square mile chunk of land was left neither under US nor Canadian control as a result of the Treaty of Paris. Bending the rules again, the Stream's congress voted to be annexed by the United States, but only to avoid having all of their citizens arrested by British and New Hampshire Militia forces who were using the Streamers as pawns in some petty game. Doesn't sound voluntary to me. This ended their three-year run as a nation.

#3. Kingdom of Hawaii. Independence lost 17 January 1893
Currently the state of Hawaii.

The US military backed a coup d'├ętat carried out by American and European businessmen, overthrowing the established monarchy. This, of course, led to annexation, statehood, and an apology during the Clinton years.

#2. Confederate States of America. Independence lost 11 April 1865
Currently the southeastern portion of the United States--west through Texas, north through Virginia.

"We seceded."
"No you didn't"
"Yes we did."
"Let's let the muskets do the talking."

#1. Republic of West Florida. Independence lost 27 October 1810
Currently the southwestern tip of Alabama, southeastern tip of Mississippi, Florida Parishes region of Louisiana.

The original Lone Star State. These guys lost their Independence not once, not three times, but twice to the US. First by proclamation then as part of the Confederate States. Following a long squabble between the US and Spain over the territory, the Free and Independent Republic of West Florida was established on Sptember 23, 1810. 90 days later US President James Madison was like, "uhhh, no."

Bonus. Earf. Independence lost 4 July 1996
Currently the rest of the world.

Before defeating the invading aliens and preventing the annihilation of the human species, President Pull... er, Whitmore gave a rousing speech in which he stated, "the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday." Clearly he is implying that the United States will no longer occupy mainly North America, but the entire planet. One can only assume (since we were deprived of a sequel) that Pullman went on to fulfill his promise, using Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum, and alien technology to take over the world, declaring himself President of the United States of Earf.

Happy 233rd birthday America!

Post any objections or additions below.

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  1. very funny and incredibly interesting. although, i would think it more appropriate to do a fourth of july top four instead of five. i don't know, that's just my opinion. very well done, brother.

  2. of course. how obtuse of me. American Samoa goes.