Decade in Review

The new year is almost upon us. As we enter 2010, it's time once again to wave goodbye to another decade. To commemorate the occasion, I've comprised a list.

10 Could-Have-Been-Headlines-or-Quotes of the Decade:

• "Totally worth it."

—Nelson Mandela

• "Totally not worth it."

—William Jefferson Clinton

• Fans Saddened to See Kurt go Bang

• "I've got a really good feeling about this one!"

—Kevin Costner

• Jesus Returns, Passing through TX, CA Leaving a Trail of Bodies in His Wake

• "I've really outdone myself. I don't think anyone will ever top this one!"

—Timothy McVeigh

• "Today is the first day of the rest of my life!"

—Colorado freshman

• "Nice idea, poor execution."

—Osama bin Laden

• "Phew! Glad that's over and done with!"

—George H. W. Bush

• UN on Rowanda: We Won't Make That Mistake Again

Too soon?

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Faith-Eating

I was extremely disturbed to hear the news about Carl Worthington, defendant in an Oregon faith healing case, receiving 60 days in jail for relying on faith and prayer instead of medical attention when his daughter fell ill. In fact, I was utterly appalled.

What has this country come to? We now live in a society where atheists and homosexuals are free to infect our children with their backwards ideas, and a loving father like Mr. Worthington is put in jail for having faith in God!

Please don't misunderstand me—I was as saddened as anyone to hear that his 15-month-old daughter was no longer with us after perishing from pneumonia and a related blood infection. But one needs to understand that this precious little girl would have died even if she had received medical care for her easily treatable inflictions. How do I know? Because it was her time to die—if it wasn't, she wouldn't have.

I commend Mr. Worthington and his wife (who was not convicted of the same misdemeanor, but still suffered through a grueling trial) for exercising a faith in the Lord reminiscent of Abraham's as he raised the blade to sacrifice Isaac. We should all have as much courage and faith.

But why stop there?

From this day forward I will refrain from polluting my body with worldly foods and begin relying on the Lord to fill my stomach with the Holy Spirit.

I'm not suggesting a mere 40 day fast. I'm talking about a complete reliance on Christ to provide the spiritual feeding needed to sustain me through the rest of my days.

I challenge every one of you to join me along with my wife and kids in our quest to become closer to Jesus.

God bless you!

Disclaimer: This is satire. If you are a Christian who also happens to be very stupid, please do not stop eating.

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10 Small Steps

10 things I expect (and want) to see before I die:

As my 30th birthday looms ominously in the near future like Vincent Price in the dark basement of your house, I decided to comprise a list. This is not meant to be a bucket-list of things I want to do, rather a list of things that will represent our progress as a species. No particular order.

• A woman U.S. president

• The creation of life

As opposed to reproduction. I've read that scientists have already created RNA, which is thought to be responsible for copying information in primitive life. It's only a matter of time before we get a cell, I just don't know how much time.

• Extraterrestrial life

It's very improbable that life exists only on this planet. The universe is just too big. Life (as we know it) seems to need, first and foremost, liquid water. Our own solar system has H2O all over the place. Intelligent life of course would be much rarer if not exclusive, but primitive life should be out there. We just need to find it.

• Commercial space travel

This one is a shoo-in. Virgin Galactic is already selling tickets.

• A Mars landing

• Fully functional robotic limbs

I'm talking almost real. We're getting there.

• The Eradication of AIDS

This may be optimistic, but there is hope—thanks to all the dedicated scientists, researchers, doctors, philanthropists, and everyone else trying solve this crisis who don't think AIDS is god's curse on gays. It turns out some people are virtually immune to HIV and there may be a way to give that resistance to others.

• My 100th birthday

Humans in developed nations keep living longer and longer. With advances in nanotechnology I think we're on the brink of some major developments that will surely translate into the world of medicine. The current life expectancy in the U.S. is 78. The closer I get to the life expectancy, the higher the number gets. Unless the rate of increase surpasses aging, I will one day meet that mark. But hopefully after 100. Or I might be crushed by a falling jet engine tomorrow.

• An openly non-religious OR gay U.S. president

Both would be too much to hope for, but maybe we can get one or the other. A woman prez will come soon, we already have a black one and other racial minorities will follow, but these two groups are hard for people to accept.

• A mass conversion to scientific thought

This is my list. Edits may follow. What do you think will happen before you die? Tell me in the comment section.

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F U Friday: The Pope

Following the footsteps of (i.e. copying) Narm, largely responsible for this blog's existence (though he may not want to take ownership of that responsibility), I introduce my weekly segment: F U Friday.

Each week, I will chose someone who I feel has been particularly douchey as of late, and give them big "F U."

This first episode comes a week late; I got busy last Friday and couldn't very well have my Friday segment debut on a Saturday.

Without further ado, I give you Joseph Alois Ratzinger, aka Pope Benedict XVI.

Recent Crimes against Awesome:

• Last week, Joey released his third encyclical, Caritas in Veritate (Charity in Truth), in which he proposes a radical overhaul of the world economy, calling for a global economic authority. He also characterizes birth control and gay marriage as not only immoral, but bad for the economy. This all came just before the G8 summit and his sit-down with Obama.

• When meeting with Obama, he gave the president a booklet on bio-ethics, outlining the church's opposition to embryonic stem cell research, abortion, etc.

Am I missing something here? No matter how much I tilt my head sideways, I cannot for the life of me see how the pope could be in a position to advise world leaders on the economy. We certainly don't want to look to the Vatican for moral direction. And science??? Please.

Historic Crimes against Awesome:

• Being a Nazi (in all fairness, he didn't actually have a choice in the matter to join Hitler's Youth).

• Having ridiculous, arrogant names and titles. "His Holiness," "The Holy See," "Holy Father," to name a few.

His official title is, "His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God." No joke.

His chosen nickname is Benedict XVI. Not only is this by definition unoriginal, but everyone knows you don't give yourself a nickname.

• Calling homosexuality an "intrinsic moral evil."

• Limiting women to motherhood and virginity, the "roles inscribed in her own biology."

Saving Grace

• Cool hat.

So please join me in giving Joey a resounding "F U!"

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Letter from a Christian Nation

Dear School Board of America,

I'm writing this here letter to tell you that you should teach Integillent Design in our school science classes.

Integillent Design is a scientific fact because it says so in the Bible and we know the Bible is fact because there are still monkeys. Unlike evolution, which is just a THEORY.

Now I know some of those damned atheists out there are trying to redefine what a scientific theory is, saying things like, "scientific theories don't graduate into scientific laws" and "scientific theories are made up laws, hypotheses and accepted knowledge, and are testable explanations of facts." What does this jibber-jabber even mean? Now, we all know theories are just guesses, like it says in the Constitution, which was written by the Bible.

These are the same faggot atheists, you see, that are trying to change what atheist means. They want us to believe that "atheism is simply a lack of belief in a god or gods and doesn't necessitate a belief in Darwinism or anything else, nor does it claim to know for certain that gods or unicorns or leprechauns don't exist." Now that's just horseshit! Jesus said to his pet dinosaur that atheists are queers who worship the devil and pretend not to believe in God because they want to have butt sex and murder babies.

Is this what our kids should be learning in science class? No. They should be learning the word of God, which is in the Bible, which we know is true because God said so in the Bible.

Jesusly yours,

John Q. Christiansen

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Earf Day

Yet another one of my favorite holidays will be spent in a place that doesn't celebrate it. But I'm not going to let that stop me. This really just means that I'll be out drinking, like every other Saturday night. But this time I'll be wearing red, white, and blue while obnoxiously chanting "U-S-A!" in Australian people's faces.

Purely for the sake of irony, I've decided to comprise a list of the Top 5 4 Nations to Lose Their Independence to the US:

First some ground rules. Nations that voluntarily gave up their independence in order to be part of a better nation (e.g. Texas, Vermont) do not count. Native American land does not count, because as far as I understand, everything we took from them in exchange for magic beans had already been technically claimed by other countries, which we subsequently bought or fought for. So in that sense Britain, France, Mexico, etc. were the ones who technically stole their land. Oh, and islands without people don't count. So without further ado . . .

#5. Eastern Samoa. Independence lost 7 June 1900, 16 July 1904

Currently the US territory of American Samoa.

Okay, so this one might break the rules right off the bat; the islands' chiefs did sign deeds of cession to the United States, but I can't help but feel that after decades of colonization by Germans, Brits, and Americans that maybe this wasn't really part of the original plan of the Samoan people. Take it or leave it, it stays on the list.

#4. Republic of Indian Stream. Independence lost 1835

Currently the northwestern tip of Pittsburgh, New Hampshire.

Because people weren't very good at making or using maps yet as of the 19th century, a 282 square mile chunk of land was left neither under US nor Canadian control as a result of the Treaty of Paris. Bending the rules again, the Stream's congress voted to be annexed by the United States, but only to avoid having all of their citizens arrested by British and New Hampshire Militia forces who were using the Streamers as pawns in some petty game. Doesn't sound voluntary to me. This ended their three-year run as a nation.

#3. Kingdom of Hawaii. Independence lost 17 January 1893

Currently the state of Hawaii.

The US military backed a coup d'état carried out by American and European businessmen, overthrowing the established monarchy. This, of course, led to annexation, statehood, and an apology during the Clinton years.

#2. Confederate States of America. Independence lost 11 April 1865

Currently the southeastern portion of the United States--west through Texas, north through Virginia.

"We seceded."

"No you didn't"

"Yes we did."

"Let's let the muskets do the talking."

#1. Republic of West Florida. Independence lost 27 October 1810

Currently the southwestern tip of Alabama, southeastern tip of Mississippi, Florida Parishes region of Louisiana.

The original Lone Star State. These guys lost their Independence not once, not three times, but twice to the US. First by proclamation then as part of the Confederate States. Following a long squabble between the US and Spain over the territory, the Free and Independent Republic of West Florida was established on Sptember 23, 1810. 90 days later US President James Madison was like, "uhhh, no."

Bonus. Earf. Independence lost 4 July 1996

Currently the rest of the world.

Before defeating the invading aliens and preventing the annihilation of the human species, President Pull... er, Whitmore gave a rousing speech in which he stated, "the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday." Clearly he is implying that the United States will no longer occupy mainly North America, but the entire planet. One can only assume (since we were deprived of a sequel) that Pullman went on to fulfill his promise, using Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum, and alien technology to take over the world, declaring himself President of the United States of Earf.

Happy 233rd birthday America!

Post any objections or additions below.

Iran's So Far Away

WHEN in the course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Political Bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the Powers of the Earth, the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the Separation.

We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness—-That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new Government, laying its Foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient Causes; and accordingly all Experience hath shewn, that Mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a Design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Security.

This excerpt from the founding document of the United States screams like a bullhorn in light of the recent events that have taken place in the Islamic Republic of Iran. Continue to show your support for the people of Iran as they fight to have their voices heard.

One Order of Looney, Please. Hold the Reason

Oklahoma Rep. Sally Kern (R) has cooked up a giant batch of crazy. Her "Oklahoma Citizen's [sic] Proclamation for Morality" blames Obama, gays, and divorcees for the nation's current economic woes. This is the same Sally Kern who last year called gays a bigger threat than terrorists. There's really nothing I can say to make this funny, so just read the following crazy in its entirety:

OKLAHOMA CITIZEN’S PROCLAMATION FOR MORALITY

We the People of Oklahoma, Invoking the guidance of Almighty God, in order to

secure and perpetuate the blessing of Liberty; to secure just and rightful Government; to promote

our mutual Welfare and Happiness, do establish this proclamation and call upon the people of the

great State of Oklahoma, and our fellow Patriots in these United States of America who look to

the Lord for guidance, to acknowledge the need for a national awakening of righteousness in our

land.

WHEREAS, “It is Religion and Morality alone, which can establish the Principles upon

which Freedom can securely stand” (John Adams); and

WHEREAS, “We have no government armed with power capable of contending with

human passions unbridled by Religion and Morality” (John Adams); and

WHEREAS, “Our Constitution was made only for a Moral and Religious people” (John

Adams); and

WHEREAS, “We have staked the whole future of American civilization, not upon the

power of government…but upon the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity

of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to

the Ten Commandments of God” (James Madison); and

WHEREAS, “Freedom is not a gift bestowed upon us by other men, but a right that

belongs to us by the laws of God (Benjamin Franklin); and

WHEREAS, “God who gave us life gave us liberty and can the liberties of a nation be

thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the

people that these liberties are of the Gift of God” (Thomas Jefferson); and

WHEREAS, “Whether any free government can be permanent, where the public

worship of God, and the support of Religion, constitute no part of the policy or duty of the state”

(Joseph Story); and

WHEREAS, “We hold sacred the rights of conscience, and promise to the people…the

free and undisturbed exercise of their religion” (Roger Sherman); and

WHEREAS, “This great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians”

(Patrick Henry); and

WHEREAS, “When you…exercise the right of voting for public officers, let it be

impressed upon your mind that God commands you to choose just men who will rule in the fear of

God” (Noah Webster); and

WHEREAS, “The principles of genuine Liberty and of wise laws and administrations

are to be drawn from the Bible” (Noah Webster); and

WHEREAS, the people of Oklahoma have a strong tradition of reliance upon the

Creator of the Universe; and

WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of our greater national

moral crisis; and

WHEREAS, this nation has become a world leader in promoting abortion,

pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, child abuse, and

many other forms of debauchery; and

WHEREAS, alarmed that the Government of the United States of America is forsaking

the rich Christian heritage upon which this nation was built; and

WHEREAS, grieved that the Office of the president of these United States has refused

to uphold the long held tradition of past presidents in giving recognition to our National Day of

Prayer; and

WHEREAS, deeply disturbed that the Office of the president of these United States

disregards the biblical admonitions to live clean and pure lives by proclaiming an entire month to

an immoral behavior;

NOW THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED that we the undersigned elected officials

of the people of Oklahoma, religious leaders and citizens of the State of Oklahoma, appealing to

the Supreme Judge of the world, solemnly declare that the HOPE of the great State of Oklahoma

and of these United States, rests upon the Principles of Religion and Morality as put forth in the

HOLY BIBLE; and

BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, believers in the One True God and His

only Son, call upon all to join with us in recognizing that “Blessed is the Nation whose God is the

Lord,” and humbly implore all who love Truth and Virtue to live above reproach in the sight of God

and man with a firm reliance on the leadership and protection of Almighty God; and

BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, humbly call upon Holy God, our

Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer, to have mercy on this nation, to stay His hand of judgment,

and grant a national awakening of righteousness and Christian renewal as we repent of our great

sin.

Signed on the second day of July in the year of our Lord Christ Two Thousand and Nine.

Obama Implicates Iranian Government in Death of Michael Jackson

LOS OLIVOS, CA -- Amid speculation and suspicion revolving around the recent death of pop legend and child entertainer Michael Jackson, President Barack Obama spoke out this morning about new developments in the investigation.

"We've discovered substantial evidence that implicates the Iranian government in the death of an American icon," Obama revealed at a news conference held under a giant ferris wheel at the Neverland Ranch.

Obama continued to express his critical view of Iranian involvement in U.S. affairs, stating that "the Middle East has once again made the choice to meddle in that which is a private, domestic issue.

"It is not up to Iran, or any other government, to decide how to handle American degenerate celebrities."

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad released the following in a statement upon hearing Obama's message:

"Although Iran is deeply empathetic towards the American people as they mourn the tragic loss of horror-film star and pioneer astronaut Michael Jackson, any suggestion that Iran may have been involved is absurd and completely unsubstantiated."

Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was interviewed via telephone during a Madden tournament held at his palace in Tehran. He echoed Ahmadinejad's remarks, saying that Michael Jackson is "wicked cool," and that it wouldn't make any sense to kill him. He also added that "this is bullshit, I tried to do an automatic spike, but you messed it up with your stupid replays."

Prime Minister Gordon Brown of Britain added fuel to Obama's suspicions, accusing Iran of being directly responsible for Jackson's purchase of much of the Beatles' catalog. "Iran has been meddling in Western affairs for decades. Just ask Paul McCartney."

Obama, taking questions in full Mace Windu garb after his statement, was asked by one reporter if Iran's recent suggestion that the CIA was responsible for Neda Agha-Soltan's murder had anything to do with Obama's accusation.

He responded only by saying, "a tit for a tat, bitches" before stripping down and performing a perfect cannonball plunge into a massive swimming pool shaped like a monkey.

Jackson's family requested a third autopsy after hearing the news. Close friend of Jackson's, actress Farrah Fawcett, could not be reached for comment.