LOS OLIVOS, CA -- Amid speculation and suspicion revolving around the recent death of pop legend and child entertainer Michael Jackson, President Barack Obama spoke out this morning about new developments in the investigation.
"We've discovered substantial evidence that implicates the Iranian government in the death of an American icon," Obama revealed at a news conference held under a giant ferris wheel at the Neverland Ranch.
Obama continued to express his critical view of Iranian involvement in U.S. affairs, stating that "the Middle East has once again made the choice to meddle in that which is a private, domestic issue.
"It is not up to Iran, or any other government, to decide how to handle American degenerate celebrities."
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad released the following in a statement upon hearing Obama's message:
"Although Iran is deeply empathetic towards the American people as they mourn the tragic loss of horror-film star and pioneer astronaut Michael Jackson, any suggestion that Iran may have been involved is absurd and completely unsubstantiated."
Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was interviewed via telephone during a Madden tournament held at his palace in Tehran. He echoed Ahmadinejad's remarks, saying that Michael Jackson is "wicked cool," and that it wouldn't make any sense to kill him. He also added that "this is bullshit, I tried to do an automatic spike, but you messed it up with your stupid replays."
Prime Minister Gordon Brown of Britain added fuel to Obama's suspicions, accusing Iran of being directly responsible for Jackson's purchase of much of the Beatles' catalog. "Iran has been meddling in Western affairs for decades. Just ask Paul McCartney."
Obama, taking questions in full Mace Windu garb after his statement, was asked by one reporter if Iran's recent suggestion that the CIA was responsible for Neda Agha-Soltan's murder had anything to do with Obama's accusation.
He responded only by saying, "a tit for a tat, bitches" before stripping down and performing a perfect cannonball plunge into a massive swimming pool shaped like a monkey.
Jackson's family requested a third autopsy after hearing the news. Close friend of Jackson's, actress Farrah Fawcett, could not be reached for comment.
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